The Light that I AM

The beauty of a journey is in the steps, the pace, the scenery, not even necessarily in the final destination. Funnily enough, sometimes the destination changes with the journey. I love setting my own pace. Sometimes I’m sprinting with adrenaline rushing through my veins and other times I’m just wandering. I can take all the time I want or all that I need.  I don’t really know which is happening until it is happening.

I vividly remember when I first moved out of home. I hated to be on my own. I didn’t know how to be in my own company.  I felt so lonely, at 17, without my family around me.

So i began on a journey to love. Of Love. True love. The winds and bumps in the road have textured my path. I love them, each. Just when I thought I was nearing the place of my destination, my path would turn and change. The destination becomes something else through the steps on the journey. Just when I think I know where I am going, I don’t. Everything I’ve ever learned, read, heard about love and personal growth has said “OH, but you must love yourself first….” but what does that mean? I guess it is as individual as we are and like all beautiful, worthwhile things in our lives, we know it when we find it. Someone once said to me “If you think you are thinking, think again” and it comes back to me often, after those bumps and bends alter my course.  Often I think I am leaping, when actually I am treading small steps on lily pads across a pond. Careful, delicate and a little precarious. When I think I am free but really controlling. When I think I am in control but really spinning out. Letting go, but really holding on so tightly, it hurts. If you think you are thinking, think again. I wanted to know myself and admittedly I do know better, but really, there is so much more to learn, like space travel……

I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again, but I did. I met someone that shone brightly and reminded me that sparks can still fly and supernova’s still exist, but also that my heart can be broken again.  Funnily enough, I feel grateful for having had my heart broken again, because it meant that I could also love. I learned what I was willing to give and sacrifice of myself and where my boundaries are. I learned about my own behaviours and patterns in relationships. It was confronting but cathartic. I truly believe that we meet people for a reason and that each person provides an opportunity for our own growth, some lessons are harder to learn than others.

When we are learning and growing sometimes it can be hard for the people around us to recognise the changes in us and sometimes when they do recognise it, it can be hard for them to accept that change, even if it is for the better. That can be frustrating and disheartening when we have worked for the change, especially if they are the people closest to us, whom we love and have loved. Similarly, watching someone you love change not for the better, through hurt, trauma and grief of one sort or another can be heartbreaking to watch. Feeling helpless and searching for what made them them to you, what you fell in love with and feeling their hurt. It is easy to see how people grow apart, but important to realise that we must release the old to open ourselves up to the new, whatever the new is. Holding on is instinctual but not always beneficial. Sometimes all we can do is continue on our path and maybe in doing so we may light the way for the ones we love.

The best part of my journey so far and what has taken me the longest time to learn (and am still learning and accepting) is that like attracts like. I’m finally figuring out that elusive Love of Self. Therefore, the reason I am attracted to and surrounded by Supernovas is because I AM a SUPERNOVA!! It is THE LIGHT THAT I AM.

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