Sometimes the universe picks you up and puts you on your arse. Your world falls apart. The only thing you can do is wait for the dust to settle and start again. But how? The old ways no longer apply and the time has come to figure out your own way, your own path and most of all your own self. Lost and without a map.
I reached this point around three years ago, with the dust firmly set, knowing I needed to get up and start moving. I had no idea how, just an understanding that nothing would ever be the same. I started from the central point, from the self, I had been part of a unit, an entity that functioned as part of something else, someone else. I had never been without that person as an adult and I had no idea who I was without him or known the world without him beside me.
I had no plan, except to figure who I was now and how to function on my own, it was not a choice I was taking willingly but the alternatives were much worse. Much of my actions and behaviours were not made consciously but reactively and I often did not like what the aftermath of what that looked like. So then to make a choice, to be conscious and aware of my own feelings & emotions, my triggers and reactions, the parts of self that made up me. Central to your being is yourself, so doesn’t it make sense to get to know that person?
Firstly, I acknowledged my protector, my defender, my Warrior Woman. Fearless, guarded and always at the ready, but also exhausted. Her presence the constant alpha amongst us, anger and aggression fuelling our days and becoming more depleted in each. Second only to Mother.
Mother, also battle ready but stumbling through to nurture self and babies the best way she could, through high tides of black ocean waves dragging deep to the ocean floor to shipwreck us. Using knowledge seemingly out dated and irrelevant in the face of what had just passed and what may be coming. Determined to make it through. Seemingly ill-equipped. Constantly self talking her failures.
Following behind Mother came the Lover. Heart black and broken on the outside, with only the shallowest pulse to detect. Previously our Empress, now a shell, hollow but for a little dust and rubble. Crawling around searching for connection and falling short terribly, so that numbing was all there was. Utterly lost, completely without, bereft. No stature or worth, suffocated with all consuming awareness and knowledge of the full scope of what was gone. She had fallen and left our warrior to continue on.
Finally, the Maid. All that encompassed wonder, joy, excitement, lust for life, first love, the heart of eternal youth & adventure. Left unsheltered and exposed. Fearful and swallowed deeply by sorrow & despair. Hiding, withdrawn & fragile but most of all, achingly, cavernously lonely, having never been without her playmate, companion, champion & sovereign. The moon, minus the sun.
My parts of self disenchanted, seemingly disparate and fragmented from whole self. My inner tribe was disintegrated but wanting light. We stood, porcelain boned and paper winged & stepped off the cliff into our new world.
At first plummeting, free falling then gliding and dropping between while we navigated our way down with only hope and intention of learning to soar.
Our Warrior stood tall, cloaked in red and full of fire, never backing down. She took many faces and called on the strengths of many representations; Kali, goddess of destruction; Pele, goddess of volcanoes, creator & destroyer; & alpha she-wolf amongst my most called on. Drawing on them as reminders of the qualities I felt i needed to keep going; strength, courage, determination, fierce independence, indomitable spirit, fire within that has the capacity to both create and destroy, if threatened and yet within all driven by passion, love and nurturing. She was weary but vigilant, while Mother, Lover and Maid began to make space for each other, for healing and forge our path for unity within our one self.
Making space for each other, what does that mean? We stood and walked together. Holding hands. Mother nurturing Maid and Lover, to heal our hurts and fears while we confronted them head on. Accepting grief, accepting sorrow, accepting a full spectrum of emotion, to release them and make room for new feelings and emotions. In nurturing our selves this allowed the Lover to come back to a place where she could love again, in a much broader balanced way and learn to love self as a lover, mother, maiden and warrior. To be open again to loving others in fuller ways and to finally be open to being loved, most of all by self. Nurturing Maid was equally beneficial, for when loved, fear and abandonment soothed, wounds kissed and healed, joy returned, and all of her beautiful qualities came back to the fore.
Maid & Lover returned love and reassurance to Mother, quietening the voice of failures. Turning them into lessons and letting go because we are human, flawed and beautiful, full of messy contradiction, perfect in imperfection, allowing us to be forgiving of ourselves. What could be more forgiving than the love of a child or reassuring than the embrace of a lover?
As Mother, Lover & Maid healed and made steps towards unity, we rose up to gather around our beautiful, wounded, exhausted Warrior. So close to falling, but standing, still. We took her shield and staff and finally filled her with enough love to let her rest. The respite she need to heal her wounds and gain back her strength. No longer alone. Her flame raised and her cloak softened to pink, still ready and vigilant but wiser & now rested. Watchful more than guarded.
Creating space to love ourselves gave us safe passage to let go of regrets, hurts, fears, to identify our wounds for healing, figure out who we are and who we want to be. Learning from our actions, learning from others, lessons about ourselves. Loving all our parts and bringing them together to be united. Unashamedly being the wild woman I am, a synergy of my parts, captain of my own vessel, riding waves and soaring above the clouds on my own terms. Most of all learning continuously, more of myself and my narrative and writing my own chapters.
Now I emerge as my own Empress, embracing my incompleteness and my story evolves as simply as saying I AM.